Marja Nebula

The Tantric Dakini

To my opponents: I used to hate sex work too..
Somewhere deep inside I have always been longing for a more sexually open and healthy society, but I didn't understand what was needed to accomplish that..I had an aggression towards prostitutes, at the same time as I felt a deep empathic grief for the humans who are forced in to the industry. Trafficked sex slaves and migration prostitutes. I felt so much hate towards men, and especially men who buy sex, that I would calm my hatred down by dehumanizing them, especially sexbuyers, and reduce them all to predator animals.
As I grew more mature and my CIS male friends started to mature aswell, conflicts started to take place in my relationship to the XY cromosome people. They started to argument against my aggressive ways of expressing my feelings towards our unhealthy relationship to sex in our society. I was blaming it all on men, and their questions and arguments made my head spin in confusion- which often led to an immensley immature reaction; I started personally attack my male friends, calling them really nasty things and putting a sex-buyer stamp on their forehead. I would set my foot down and not allow myself to change my mind about how I felt.

One day something happened. I was so imaginably deeply in love with a boy I still belive is my soulmate. He took his life. It changed everything. I fell into the deepest darkest corners of my being. Everything went quiet and at the same time everything was in motion, in a way that made me feel nauseous. The thought of my own death had been my calming medicine for a long time- in my childhood I would fall asleep to the blissful thought of never having to wake up again. Every time my feelings took the best of me, I would calm down by fantasizing about killing myself. My suicidal self would tell me "they will when you're dead".
I never got time to tell him this. When he took his life it forced a change in my mind. The thought of killing myself didn't make me feel good anymore, it made me feel what my family and friends would feel if I went through with it. I realized that if I continiue to think like that, I would continiue to invite horrible experiences in to my life. I had to make a desicion between life and death. I chose life, and so the awakening my inner whore slowly began to emerge.

But it didn't happen over night. First I replaced fantazising of death with fantazising of being imprisoned by a really bad man and used as his sex slave. This is very interesting as it also resonates to a fantasy I used to have before sleep in my childhood.
The thought of being raped would make me so turned on in a way that made me feel sick to my guts at the same time. I would lie calm with my fantasies, and orgasm the second I penetrated my vagina with my vibrator.
I cried afterwards, I hated my medicine. I could see myself destroying my own sexuality. But still I found myself on the computer searching for horrible men on dating sites. I wanted to arrange a play-rape with a stranger. I wanted it so bad I couldn't help myself, and the internet made it so available.. Luckily there was this really strict and responsible lady inside of me that said to me:

If I want to love a man again I cannot hate them.
I have to learn how to accept things.
If I want to accept things I have to gain understanding.
To gain proper understanding I have to gain proper experience.

I could still feel an immense thirst for submitting to an aggressive sexual experience, but as Marja Nebula came forth and redirected my urges- I realized that the rape fantasy was rooted in my disappointment and misunderstanding of men and their primal sexuality, tangled up with my urge to have sex with them without connecting emotionally. And also (as a believer of our connected consiousness) the demand for sexworkers in our society really played itself out in my precious young mind.

I am free from expectations of finding the love of my life, and the never ending anxiety of losing them.
I am free from jealousy towards other women.
I am free from hate towards men.
I am free.

But at the same time I might have locked myself in, if the rest of society fails to free themselves in which ever way they need. Then my freedom to accomplish other things than being a "whore" might be very restricted.
But I'll be fine.

Thanks for reading.
I love you <>